Boundaries...
aka, The Importance of Giving Zero Fucks*
*absolutely NONE
Hello, my name is [INSERT NAME HERE, typically mine] and I am a recovering pleaseaholic.
Oh yeah. The reasons why come from a long history of being taught love gets doled out based on what one does, rather than just being – and while I’ve worked with specific intent to recover, my pleaser vibe gets trod upon and tested now and then, especially at the holidays.
Especially when I’m tired, or grieving – or going through one of the Big Three: Loss of my health, a loved one, or my livelihood. Basically, whenever I may more easily feel indebted to or ingratiated to another. It’s at those times it’s more difficult for me to maintain my boundaries.
Let’s face it, there are some people who view the proverbial white picket fences that serve to maintain our sense of self – our self-respect and dignity – as mere demarcation lines to step right over and prove to us that they are in charge. They are the Queen Bee or Sheriff of Nottingham – and can do whatever they please. Whenever they want to.
We want to be part of a loving, extended family. We want our kids to grow and assume the reins of their own lives. We yearn for a sense of camaraderie and team spirit among our school or work colleagues. We want to be height-weight appropriate. And yet. ALL of these things require us to be crystal clear about what that means – not just why we want it.
Our Why is only part of it...
Our why can be a great motivator but it’s really all about when the rubber hits the road. It’s what we do that matters, most. When I was at rock-fucking-bottom, my affirmations were about encouragement; to feel good, to find things and feelings that were light and loving, and inspiring to life me up from a dark, lonely, and hopeless place.
As I grew strong and healed – and this is true whether healing emotionally or physically – my affirmations shifted a bit. I needed to LAUGH, out loud and a LOT. To help me hold fast and with consistency to those things that were good and right for me…laughter really was the best!
To be honest, the reason I spiraled, lost, and felt hopeless was due at least in some smaller or greater degree to me and my choices…okay, it was ALL me. I bargained with myself. I was NOT doing what was truly right for me in the long haul. I was, maybe – well, probably – doing what was easy, or what helped me get along and get through the moment. I wanted to please and be accepted and approved of, and yes, loved. In the moment.
Healing from that challenged me to get crystal clear about what felt good, and what was truly right or best for me, personally. It also required me to give absolutely ZERO FUCKS about what wasn’t…good or right. At. ALL.
- The holiday family hoopla.
- The work project within my team that hasn’t worked well.
- A teenager who languishes, in their room, smoking or drinking or playing xBox or sexing.
We all give a little in these situations, now and then.
Until, inch by inch, we’ve given so much that we’ve caved in completely.
The white picket fence that surrounds our self – heart and soul – becomes a gauntlet for others to demonstrate that they can just blow right past our boundaries. I daresay, people are not evil – or at least the vast majority have good intentions. Isn’t the road to hell paved on them? What’s important, what may be very well and good for one person is not so much for another.
Ask yourself some simple questions:
- Does this matter to me? Why?
- Do I really want this? If so, what do I need to do, next?
- Does it make me happy?
- Do I say “YES” from ALL of me?
If not, WTF? That’s why it’s important to give ZERO FUCKS about things that don’t really matter to you. That way, you can focus on what does – You can breathe life into and DO the things that make you feel good, lighter-than-air, things that make you lose track of time and fill you with a sense of purpose. Yep. Those things.
Give absolutely ZERO FUCKS about the rest.
